A Broken Hugger
I have a broken hugger. I wasn’t aware of it until a few years ago. Teenagers have a way of pointing out all of their parent’s flaws, but this one was particularly perplexing. We were living in the farmhouse outside the small town we had recently moved to. I remember standing in the kitchen, when my middle daughter, Elaina hugged me. Her hugs were always soft and whole. I loved the gift of them.
I was a new mother again after eleven long years, and my thirteen-year-old girl, the one with the passionate personality, hugged me between the kitchen table and the cupboards. I remember feeling her young arms spring up for a hug and I received it. Oh, how I needed that hug amid the questions and the grieving, but then she ruined it, “Mom why don’t you hug back?” she asked.
What? Wasn’t I hugging? But even as she asked I realized I was unable to hug back. This little girl-turning woman needed the equivalent of what she was giving reciprocated in this simple act of embracing. As I stood there I realized my arms were hanging limply at my sides.
When my husband chimed in with the same complaint I was even more dumbfounded. I had never thought of myself as a non-hugger. After all, from my many years of youth ministry, I had become a professional side-hugger. (I mean, you don’t want anyone thinking you are trying to be inappropriate.) Further excuses came as I recalled, from my teen years, hugging my aunt Candy. She was NOT a hugger so it was fun to get a rise out of her. With all of this evidence certainly I knew how to reciprocate a hug from my dearest loved ones, right?
No. In truth on that day, five years ago, I became aware of my deficiency. I was a poor Huggee! I didn’t know how to hug back.
I suffered from a broken hugger.
How do you get a broken hugger anyway? I had no idea, and I didn’t even think it was a real thing but in my home, it was indeed a real thing. I was not giving in return what my children were leaning in to offer. At the time I was trying to put my life back together. We had moved away from my dream church to something entirely new.
I was not serving as a worship pastor but as a full-time stay home mommy. I had all my worship music in a plastic storage bin. In my postpartum depression, the semblance of my career seemed to have been washed down the toilet. I felt stuck. I was forty and knee-high in diapers. I loved it, and yet I was deeply troubled. I found myself whispering internally, “I am struck down but not destroyed…right God?”
But in the middle of that hug, I felt the sweet flow of comfort as thirteen-year-old arms wrapped around my shoulders. Without knowing it I was absorbing the solace from the one I needed to give reassurance to. After her assertive observation, I wondered what had caused my poor embracing skills.
Why do we need hugs anyway?
Because hugs are good for us. It might come as a surprise, but science supports the many benefits. The mutual action of a simple embrace boosts the hormone oxytocin. This hormone has the power to heal feelings of loneliness, isolation, and anger. Receiving a hug can naturally build trust and a sense of safety. In close relationships, this act can open up safe and honest communication.
So how do you hug properly?
This also may seem a silly question, but as an insufficient hugger, I think it is essential to be specific.
“A good hug must be wholehearted. You can’t do it halfway. Two people, the hugger and the huggee face each other and embrace each other with their full bodies touching, yes it is intimate. The hugger should be focused on the huggee with the purposeful intention to offer comfort. It is literally a heart-to-heart experience: the heartbeat of the hugger can regulate the heartbeat of the huggee. Lastly and most importantly the hugger must embrace the huggee until the huggee is ready to let go and not a moment before.”
There are many benefits to a fully committed hug such as a better immune system, improved self-esteem, and a stronger nervous system, and it can even help heart health. All of these reasons make it clear why I am on a journey to become a better hugger to my closest loved ones.
Why does this matter to you?
Thankfully Spring is on its way, but in the midwest, the days are still gray and cold. Many of us feel down. But what if we could help each other by giving the simple gift of embrace? After all, science also proves a cuddle is a positive boost to the brain systems like opioids by naturally creating a similar euphoria.
If they are so beneficial why don’t some of us like to give or receive hugs fully?
In all reality, a broken hugger can stem from a traumatic event of the past. As a result, the victim doesn’t know how to sustain an embrace.
“These experiences are all stored in the body, and they interfere with experiencing pleasure from touch. Negative associations [with] all kinds of negative experiences leave their mark on the body. When trauma is stored in implicit memory in the body people don’t like to be hugged or touched. It makes them feel out of control and vulnerable.”
With all that said, there are reasons why my arms hung lifeless at my sides even if at that moment I couldn’t explain why. A breakthrough came through therapy in learning the art of hugging myself. This became a tool for finding healing from painful moments of my past. I was surprised to learn as I gave myself a hug I tricked my brain into thinking someone else was giving me one. All the benefits of a hug were open to me by this simple act. Strange isn’t it?
Currently, I am in the process of healing my hugger. I have made a pact with my family to tell me if I’m giving them wimpy noodle arms. I humbly confess I am not a natural at this, but I am mindfully drawing closer.
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