The God Who Sees
I was recently asked to talk about a wilderness experience in my life. My mind instantly went back to the year I was expecting Judah. Carrying a child is a challenging time in any mother’s life. The struggle to physically and emotionally stretch one’s self to allow a new life to be born is an experience women have faced from the beginning. But each of our stories is unique. I think that is why I was so drawn to the story I am about to share with you. I am reposting a blog I wrote in February 2017, a detailed account that still holds powerful value for my life today. I hope it will also inspire yours.
Finally home from a weekend youth retreat, I quickly changed into my fuzziest oversized pajamas. In my cozy slippers I popped a piece of bubble gum into my mouth as I prepared to write. Lately, each day felt full of emotional events yet I struggled with feeling numb, empty of words. This happened because I knew I really had something to say, but was afraid to let it out. Unsure if my words would just be viewed as a pregnancy mood swing or taken seriously. As a result, I tried to numb myself with distraction. Binge watching my favorite Netflix saga, or trying to escape into a novel to divert my mind from the pressing questions lingering just beyond the surface seemed to satisfy the ache for a while. Unfortunately, the pressing trouble shortly reappeared.
Learning to allow myself the freedom to speak, to express, and unlock my thoughts, and feelings has felt both freeing and terrifying. To find my voice is to find a missing piece in the puzzle of my own identity, but it also challenges me to keep going, discovering, and speaking what I learn along the way.
As I sat on the couch feeling comfortable, relaxed, and free to write I shut my eyes for a moment. The gritty cloud of the sands of time seemed to blow around me as I saw the topic rising from the pages of the old text. A short phrase seemed to lift off the page of Genesis 16, from the ancient land of Canaan, Beer Lahai Roi, which means: the well of Him who lives and sees me.
In the distance, I could see a young woman walking in the blowing sand. The sweltering heat beat down on her as the sun stood high in the sky. As I squinted in the glare trying to make my hands a visor to shield my eyes I could see the weary girl was expecting a child but seemed to be in trouble as I watched her crumble under a tree. Thankfully near the tree, there appeared to be a small well of water. She lay motionless under the tree as the hot wind played with the fabric covering her face. I watched, fearing for her life.
As I sat on the couch, six months along in my own pregnancy, I readjusted my position as a sharp pain shot down the left side of my neck and shoulder blade. In my minor discomfort I tried to imagine the miserable journey this poor girl had traveled. Suddenly a voice like a gust of wind spoke to her. The tree branches did not move nor the desert grasses rustle at the sound of the words.
“Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?”
Like the wind, the voice surrounded her while everything else grew still. She slowly became awake stirring her arms and legs. I was relieved that she was still alive. But I felt the eerie sensation of my hair standing on end in the eerie presence. Slowly she sat up.
“Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from, where are you going?” the voice pursued.
The girl grew frightened. Who could be calling her name out here in the middle of the desert, she was a runaway?
“Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where…” The voice came a third time.
Seeing no one Hagar bowed her head to the ground. Even in her weakness she hoped for a miracle.
“I’m running away from my mistress Sarai,” she confessed both ashamed and overwhelmed at the predicament she had found herself in. There were no tears as her dehydrated body writhed with contractions.
It was Sarai’s idea for her to become Abram’s second wife. As a slave girl, she had no say in such matters. Her mistress was well advanced in years and had given up the hope of having her own child with her husband, so why not throw her servant girl at him? When Hagar found that she was pregnant she did feel proud. The pride felt justified until now under this tree with the voice of the Holy One, the God of the Hebrews, enveloping her. Suddenly she felt regret for the haughtiness she had portrayed in front of her mistress. She remembered the tears of jealousy she saw flickering in her mistress’ barren eyes.
The voice spoke again, “Go back to your mistress and submit to her.” As these words filled the air around her a peace came to rest upon her like a gentle hand. In that moment the stabbing pain of her unborn child coming prematurely stopped. The anger and frustration ebbed away too as if she had been refreshed by water.
“You are now with-child and you will have a son. You shall name him Ishmael, for the Lord, has heard of your misery.”
Again a wave of peace came over her. For a moment she remembered her own mother. She felt the soft touch of her mother’s hand smoothing her black hair away from her young face. She bore resemblance to her in the almond shape of her eyes. The memory came close for just a moment and kissed her before it flew away. She had put such memories as far away from herself as the distance she was forced to travel from the land of her birth, Egypt. It was to this home she hoped to return to in her flight. The memory awakened the sorrow again. And though she was still weak a single tear spilled out and down her cheek. She didn’t bother to wipe it. Who could see it under her scarf?
“Hagar…” the Voice spoke again.
Opening her eyes she saw Him. In gleaming white a figure stood before her. Immediately she fell to her knees with her head bowed to the sandy earth. Instinctively she knew the One true God, the God of the Hebrews Abram had spoken of, stood in front of her.
“You are God, You truly see me,” she whispered brokenly. As she lifted her head slowly to behold Him, but he had disappeared.
“I have now seen the One who sees me. Have I remained alive after seeing Him?”
Looking around, the oasis was quiet as the wind returned. Standing to her feet with renewed strength she walked to the well pulling at the rope to retrieve the water below. Holding the bucket in her hands she splashed the refreshing liquid on her hot skin. She quietly drank deeply of the cool sweet water. Feeling physically refreshed she placed her hands on her womb. The child was safe, she had been saved by a Holy visitation. She ran her fingers along the rough weathered stone well as she whispered to her unborn child, “Someday I will tell you about this place, my son, Beer Lahai Roi.” The Well of the Living One who sees me.
“Hagar! Hagar!” her name was called from the top of the nearby hill. There stood Abram’s head servant, Eliezar, with a camel at hand.
“I have been searching for you, Abram my master is worried for you and the child.” He said as he approached.
As she stood by the well she whispered again to her soul, “You are the God who sees me.”
From my couch peering as if through the pages of Genesis I see courage on her brave young face as she agreed to go with Eliezer. Not on foot, but from the mount of a camel she was led back. I see how the power of an encounter with the Lord changed the weariest of hearts. I see a girl that not only returned but tried harder to honor her elderly mistress even when she saw the jealousy etched into the deep lines on her face.
Hagar did not live a perfect life, but God cared to pursue her in imperfection and despair. He has always been near to the broken hearted. He has plans for us even when we have given up on any plans for ourselves.
In the end, Hagar returned to the desert with her thirteen year-old son, no longer a slave but free. The second journey in the wilderness was also filled with heartache, but God again pursued her. In her greatest need He was there. We don’t know if she followed the God of the Hebrews but we do know that God continued to prove that He was El Roi, the God who sees.